Today is the Day -

You either KNOW or you DON'T -

Either you've taken off work tomorrow and cleared your schedule, because you KNOW you'll be sleeping - after having stayed up all night reading.

Or you're a confused reader who has no clue what on earth could be possessing me.

To quote a friend:

"You're a fan like you know the names of Harry's best friends? Or you're a fan like you know what A.P.W.B.D. stands for?"

I, my darlings, know what A.P.W.B.D. stands for. AND consider that to be an easy trivia question. ;)

I am hitting not one - but TWO - parties this evening. (I like to think of myself as an equal opprotunity book shopper - giving equal time to both Borders and Barnes and Nobles and their parties.)

I shall post pictures tomorrow, when I awaken, which will be late, because I'm staying up ALL NIGHT LONG until I'm finished reading Book 7.

I would say I will be thinking of you - but that would be a lie.

I'm off to spend time with my love - Severus and his pals.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

I'm the Luckiest Woman in the World!

If you live your life in prayer and seeking God's will - you will truly find happiness.

I gave my pain to the Lord and asked Him to be my strength, I prayed constantly for His will to be done, and my family and friends surrounded me in prayer for the same.

It was only after truly being able to let go and realize that even if I was going to be alone forever - that God would shelter me and comfort me - that I was able to receive the glorious gift of a man who wants to rebuild our relationship based on trust and communication.

Instead of canceling our premarital appointment for Monday - I had called our counselor and asked if he would meet with me alone, and help me work through the incident. Monday morning I received a phone call - ex-Fiance wanted to talk. Ex-Fiance ended up calling the counselor himself and making a 2 hour appointment (rather than our normal 1 hour) and drove 20 miles to come out and talk with me and the counselor.

It was amazing. It was as if fog had been lifted from our relationship and we were able to clearly see where both of us had erred in the past. He was an amazing man, claiming responsibity for his actions and truly stepping up to the commitment.

We won't be getting married in August, but the wedding will happen someday. Right now we are back to focusing on how we talk to one another and being able to express our feelings. It is a long and very slow process, but my heart will heal because I have given it to God.

We are not called to trust our fellow man, but Christ in His faithfulness. And that is where I am, daily trusting Fiance in the little things, but trusting Christ in all. What an amazing journey we will have together with Christ as the center of our lives and relationship.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

"Jesus is the rock between you and the hard place."

He Sends His Words

Tonight, I ran media for the Sunday Night service. It's (to repeat a tired phrase) pretty lonely up in the booth, with everyone down below. But then the music started. I cannot take any credit for the words below, they belong to another.

But I felt as if God was speaking to me directly.

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure.

That He would give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss; the Father turns His face away.

As wounds which mar the Chosen One, bring many sons to glory.

~

Behold the Man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders.

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there, until it was accomplished.

His dying breath has brought me life; I know that it is finished.

~
I will not boast in anything; no gifts, no power, no wisdom.

But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer.

But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.

~
But this I know with all my heart - His wounds have paid my ransom.

I am a precious and beloved child of the Creator of the Universe. He loves me.

Me.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

Really? Can a Girl Catch a Break?

Let’s have a quick quiz here, peeps.

In the last two weeks I have:
a) had my 7 year old son B-10 confined to a wheelchair because of Perthes.
b) had my car implode and require almost $2000 in repairs.
c) had the man I intended to marry – tell me he wasn’t going to.
d) had the Minister at my church who I look up to the most tender his resignation.
e) all of the above.

If you answered “e” – you win.

Ah, the black humor that surfaces as my coping mechanism. It’s all I can do to hold on. The sense of loss is still so fresh and painful.

I would ask what else could happen, but I have a doctor’s appointment in a week, and I’ve been having enough problems that I’m not sure I want to know “what else”.

I have a daily quiet time, sitting with my Scripture or with my old hymnal singing.

I feel on some level as if I’m having a “Daily Quiet Day”. My heart is in constant prayer, trying to connect with Him and begin to understand His purpose.

Perhaps I should slow down, and just know He’s holding me. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be more than okay – I will thrive in the life God will give me. The life He is giving me.

It’s so hard to let go and live. The hurt and pain still thrums through me.

I feel lonely. That’s the hardest part. I’m hurting and I can’t go to the person I thought was my best friend. I’m alone.

I trust God.

I do.

Even when it’s hard.

Because if I was only able to do it when it was easy, is it really trust?

May your day be full of beauty and life.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

This has been 48 hours of hell, easy.

I'm not even sure if I'm over the shock yet.

Thursday evening, on the way to pick out the tuxedos for the wedding, Fiance dumps me.

I would like to phrase it differently, but this was not a mutual understanding, this was someone who I love and trust basically ripping my heart out.

In two hours I went from planning a wedding (the invitations arrived Thursday in the mail) to handing him my engagement ring (so he could return it and keep the cash).

Now what? I'm still in shock, I think. The loss hasn't totally hit me. There are five beautiful little girls that I love and can never speak to again, not to mention my sister-in-laws to be who are incredible women that I was looking forward to being with.

And then the fact that I have two little caterpillars that can't wait to move into their new house; with their new dog, their new bedroom, and their new stepdad - what do I say to them? How do I tell them that seven weeks before the wedding he's backed out - because their mum wasn't enough?

Logically, people keep saying that it's better it happened now, rather than later. And I understand that, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. My feelings don't change overnight. I'm angry at him, but I love him with all my heart, and that will take time to go away.

Some people hurt you with slashing wounds; leaving gaping, bleeding slices in your heart. You clean them out, thoroughly, even if it hurts. You stitch it up nice and pretty, and let it mend. Put a bandage on it, maybe a little antibacterial cream – anything to help make it better.

Other people strike you hard - a solid hit - with a blunt object. Your heart bruises, but there’s nothing visible to the naked eye. You’ve got a black and green heart, instead of a healthy red one.

You can’t make bruises better, you have to ride them out. Leave them alone to heal.
And when people come along after all it takes is the lightest tap to send waves of pain through me.

They don’t know they are doing anything wrong. To a healthy heart a light tap, or even a solid whack, would only leave a bit of a niggling sense of pain.

Certainly not the waves of nausea that flood through me when my heart gets a rough thump. So I force myself to laugh.

As if humor can prevent me from vomiting on their pretty little shoes.