Today is the Day -

You either KNOW or you DON'T -

Either you've taken off work tomorrow and cleared your schedule, because you KNOW you'll be sleeping - after having stayed up all night reading.

Or you're a confused reader who has no clue what on earth could be possessing me.

To quote a friend:

"You're a fan like you know the names of Harry's best friends? Or you're a fan like you know what A.P.W.B.D. stands for?"

I, my darlings, know what A.P.W.B.D. stands for. AND consider that to be an easy trivia question. ;)

I am hitting not one - but TWO - parties this evening. (I like to think of myself as an equal opprotunity book shopper - giving equal time to both Borders and Barnes and Nobles and their parties.)

I shall post pictures tomorrow, when I awaken, which will be late, because I'm staying up ALL NIGHT LONG until I'm finished reading Book 7.

I would say I will be thinking of you - but that would be a lie.

I'm off to spend time with my love - Severus and his pals.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

I'm the Luckiest Woman in the World!

If you live your life in prayer and seeking God's will - you will truly find happiness.

I gave my pain to the Lord and asked Him to be my strength, I prayed constantly for His will to be done, and my family and friends surrounded me in prayer for the same.

It was only after truly being able to let go and realize that even if I was going to be alone forever - that God would shelter me and comfort me - that I was able to receive the glorious gift of a man who wants to rebuild our relationship based on trust and communication.

Instead of canceling our premarital appointment for Monday - I had called our counselor and asked if he would meet with me alone, and help me work through the incident. Monday morning I received a phone call - ex-Fiance wanted to talk. Ex-Fiance ended up calling the counselor himself and making a 2 hour appointment (rather than our normal 1 hour) and drove 20 miles to come out and talk with me and the counselor.

It was amazing. It was as if fog had been lifted from our relationship and we were able to clearly see where both of us had erred in the past. He was an amazing man, claiming responsibity for his actions and truly stepping up to the commitment.

We won't be getting married in August, but the wedding will happen someday. Right now we are back to focusing on how we talk to one another and being able to express our feelings. It is a long and very slow process, but my heart will heal because I have given it to God.

We are not called to trust our fellow man, but Christ in His faithfulness. And that is where I am, daily trusting Fiance in the little things, but trusting Christ in all. What an amazing journey we will have together with Christ as the center of our lives and relationship.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

"Jesus is the rock between you and the hard place."

He Sends His Words

Tonight, I ran media for the Sunday Night service. It's (to repeat a tired phrase) pretty lonely up in the booth, with everyone down below. But then the music started. I cannot take any credit for the words below, they belong to another.

But I felt as if God was speaking to me directly.

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure.

That He would give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss; the Father turns His face away.

As wounds which mar the Chosen One, bring many sons to glory.

~

Behold the Man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders.

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there, until it was accomplished.

His dying breath has brought me life; I know that it is finished.

~
I will not boast in anything; no gifts, no power, no wisdom.

But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer.

But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.

~
But this I know with all my heart - His wounds have paid my ransom.

I am a precious and beloved child of the Creator of the Universe. He loves me.

Me.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

Really? Can a Girl Catch a Break?

Let’s have a quick quiz here, peeps.

In the last two weeks I have:
a) had my 7 year old son B-10 confined to a wheelchair because of Perthes.
b) had my car implode and require almost $2000 in repairs.
c) had the man I intended to marry – tell me he wasn’t going to.
d) had the Minister at my church who I look up to the most tender his resignation.
e) all of the above.

If you answered “e” – you win.

Ah, the black humor that surfaces as my coping mechanism. It’s all I can do to hold on. The sense of loss is still so fresh and painful.

I would ask what else could happen, but I have a doctor’s appointment in a week, and I’ve been having enough problems that I’m not sure I want to know “what else”.

I have a daily quiet time, sitting with my Scripture or with my old hymnal singing.

I feel on some level as if I’m having a “Daily Quiet Day”. My heart is in constant prayer, trying to connect with Him and begin to understand His purpose.

Perhaps I should slow down, and just know He’s holding me. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be more than okay – I will thrive in the life God will give me. The life He is giving me.

It’s so hard to let go and live. The hurt and pain still thrums through me.

I feel lonely. That’s the hardest part. I’m hurting and I can’t go to the person I thought was my best friend. I’m alone.

I trust God.

I do.

Even when it’s hard.

Because if I was only able to do it when it was easy, is it really trust?

May your day be full of beauty and life.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

This has been 48 hours of hell, easy.

I'm not even sure if I'm over the shock yet.

Thursday evening, on the way to pick out the tuxedos for the wedding, Fiance dumps me.

I would like to phrase it differently, but this was not a mutual understanding, this was someone who I love and trust basically ripping my heart out.

In two hours I went from planning a wedding (the invitations arrived Thursday in the mail) to handing him my engagement ring (so he could return it and keep the cash).

Now what? I'm still in shock, I think. The loss hasn't totally hit me. There are five beautiful little girls that I love and can never speak to again, not to mention my sister-in-laws to be who are incredible women that I was looking forward to being with.

And then the fact that I have two little caterpillars that can't wait to move into their new house; with their new dog, their new bedroom, and their new stepdad - what do I say to them? How do I tell them that seven weeks before the wedding he's backed out - because their mum wasn't enough?

Logically, people keep saying that it's better it happened now, rather than later. And I understand that, but it doesn't make the hurt go away. My feelings don't change overnight. I'm angry at him, but I love him with all my heart, and that will take time to go away.

Some people hurt you with slashing wounds; leaving gaping, bleeding slices in your heart. You clean them out, thoroughly, even if it hurts. You stitch it up nice and pretty, and let it mend. Put a bandage on it, maybe a little antibacterial cream – anything to help make it better.

Other people strike you hard - a solid hit - with a blunt object. Your heart bruises, but there’s nothing visible to the naked eye. You’ve got a black and green heart, instead of a healthy red one.

You can’t make bruises better, you have to ride them out. Leave them alone to heal.
And when people come along after all it takes is the lightest tap to send waves of pain through me.

They don’t know they are doing anything wrong. To a healthy heart a light tap, or even a solid whack, would only leave a bit of a niggling sense of pain.

Certainly not the waves of nausea that flood through me when my heart gets a rough thump. So I force myself to laugh.

As if humor can prevent me from vomiting on their pretty little shoes.

CW the Younger

In March, oh so long ago, I took B-10 Gatlinburg all by himself, as a Mummy/B-10 Homeschool trip. Well, this weekend was CW's turn to go on vacation alone - for three days to Huntsville, Alabama.

Late Saturday evening we left home, I had hoped to get on the road early, since it's a four hour drive, but alas that was not to be. We drove for almost two hours before stopping for dinner (yes, it was a very late dinner, and I wasn't going to stop at all, just drive through, but CW wanted Cracker Barrel and we just happened to find one).

Here is Jonah (the family travel pet) and CW enjoying Cracker Barrel

The drive was long, I only got lost three times, and someone needs to build a road straight from Atlanta to Huntsville.

We finally check in the hotel, to find out that it is under construction - oh, we HAVE a room, just on a floor with LOTS of construction workers and construction noise. And the pool is coming apart. (Literally, the floor of the pool is coming apart, but they let us play in it if we are careful).

This is noted by the fact that CW has already enjoyed the pool three times in two days.

Day One was spent at church (the oldest church in Alabama in the Southern Baptist Convention - with a freaky iron rocket-ship steeple). Breakfast at McDonald's. Lunch at Joe Davis Stadium where the Huntsville Stars AA Baseball team plays (we saw three innings from the VERY FRONT ROW)! Then, because it's so darn hot we went to the mall.

We shopped at the Disney Store and found a few cute items to bring home for B-10 and Cousin Irene. I also found an adorable dress from a place I'd never seen called B Moss Clothing.

In the mall was also one of those bouncy, flippy, things (I'm being very technical!) and CW wanted to spend part of his money there (he had $30 in spending money for the trip).

We ended up coming back to the hotel and swimming again. Also, we played an N64 game on the TV (Paper Mario) which cost $6.97 per hour, but was well worth it! Dinner was room service, because we were tired, and the bed was comfy!

Monday was all laid out. I did my research ahead of time and we went (after breakfast at the hotel) to the US Space and Rocket Center. It was nice to see, CW enjoyed what he could of it - but the place was overrun with the Space Camp kids. Now, don't get me wrong, I am SURE that the bread-and-butter of the place is these kids, but REALLY. At one point a 9 or 10 year old boy shoved CW down to get inside a simulator first. Half the simulators were roped off for the Space Camp kids, and then they brought them into the IMAX and most of the counselors left the kids alone. It was not fun (but we got great souvenirs.)

I promised CW we would go to a children's history museum afterwards, which would be more fun for him. Yeah - it would have been fun if it were OPEN! I was so fed up (because I had already put $10 in the parking meter to get us 3 hours of parking time) that I took the advertisement saying they were open on Monday to the Huntsville Visitors Center.

They couldn't do much for me, but they did give me two 20% off coupons to the Huntsville Botanical Gardens.

This is BY FAR the absouletly best attraction in Huntsville. Kids and parents alike will LOVE this place. Make sure to let your kids wear sandals and shirts you don't mind them getting wet. The Kid's Garden was beautiful, and the Butterfly Garden was exquisite.

This is CW in the 1/2 Acre Wood, being rained on by the giant watering can. :)

The only bad part was losing Jonah. Luckily, we left out name and phone number and recieved a call this evening saying Jonah had been found! :D

We came back to the hotel to play a bit more Paper Mario and swim until dinner time (room service again). We'll be leaving early tomorrow to head home, because B-10 will be having surgery this week (which is a post for later...).

CW's favorite color is red AND blue, and he loves salad. His favorite animal is a cow. (Which he says when he moos...). His favorite vehicle is plane (and rocket) which he got to see today on the big screen (we saw the IMAX "Magic of Flight").

He's my favorite CW. Ever.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

This Morning I Cried...

We bow down,

we lay our crowns

at the feet of Jesus.

~

The goodness of

His mercy and love,

at the feet of Jesus.

~

And we cry holy, holy, holy.

And we cry holy, holy, holy.

And we cry holy, holy, holy

Is the Lamb.

~

~

This morning the entire family gathered at my sister (Boo's) church for her baby's dedication. They had all the babies up on stage and gave them their tiny bibles (which Nephew promptly shoved in his mouth), they gave a prayer then sent the children back to the nursery.

~

Boo and Fireman (her husband) slid back into the seats next to Fiance and I right before this song began. This is one of my favorite songs, but this morning I was touched unlike I have been in weeks.

~

I serve on the Media Team at my church, which involves me spending every Wednesday night working on slides and every Sunday morning running the slides for the songs, sermon, and annoucements. And while I have had a few Sundays off (due to a horrid meltdown of the church air conditioning system), this was the first Sunday I had off and was in a church. I had forgotten how joyful it is to worship.

~

I love serving, and have no desire to leave the Media Team, but it is so hard to never have the chance to SING the songs, because I'm so worried about making sure the words are up there for the 900 people or so that are singing during our church services.

~

I'm sure Boo couldn't understand why I was crying, or that the tears on my face were from joy, and a heart that was truly - at that moment - fully prepared to worship.

~

How lucky are we, to be able to lay our crowns down, at the merciful feet of Jesus? How beloved am I, to be the daughter of a King? How often does my heart sing to Him? How incredible that the Holy Lamb died for me?

~

May you be blessed on this Day of Rest.

~Lone Butterfly )i(

The Lake House

For Memorial Day Weekend we celebrated with Fiance's family. The two of us drove down with B-10 and CW to hang out with all the cousins (5 girls - and another on the way!), two aunts, two uncles, and even more extended family. There were 22 people there at one point.

The boys and I camped out on the front lawn in our beautiful Coleman Tent. It's large enough for both boys to sleep on their cots and for Fiance and I to sleep in sleeping bags, me between the boys and him in front of the zippered door (to prevent midnight escapes).

I was hesitant, but really enjoyed myself. The boys had a blast, just as I expected. One Sunday morning, before we drove down, Fiance had taken us all to Target to purchase them their own water shoes and life jackets - which they didn't take off unless they were sleeping! Tuesday evening we had to drag them inside to put on clothes to wear home. :)

My favorite part of the entire weekend was one of our trips out on the boat (we took seven). Fiance and his youngest brother got into the raft behind the boat, while the three oldest children (B-10, CW, and their oldest girl cousin: Princess Flower), curled up on the seats. Fiance's stepfather and I stood and talked while he drove them around. The kids ended up falling asleep and napping for almost an hour, while Stepfather drove the boat through the lake and up the Chattahoochee River.

On the way back we woke the kids and I took a turn with each of them. As I was holding on to the raft, speeding behind the boat at somewhere between 2500 and 3000 RPM, I closed my eyes and let the water softly spray my face. It was so easy to relax and let him drive, knowing that I had no control over where the boat went or how fast.

How is it that I can so easily trust another human being, but struggle with doing the same with God? Stepfather could have easily had an accident, throwing me and whichever child I had in the raft into the air and painfully hitting the water. Yet I could lay my head back and hold on tightly to the handles and not even worry.

God is so much more trustworthy! He guides my life - if I could simply remember to hold on and relax I could enjoy so much more of what He has planned for me. Instead I spend my time yelling out instructions and trying to direct the raft myself. Inevitable I tip over, and try to blame God, when in fact - I was the one not doing what I was suppose to do.

My prayer today is that I can allow God to be in control, and give Him the trust that He deserves, while doing what I need to do in obedience to Him!

~Lone Butterfly )i(

Hamburger Soup - a Family Staple

So many people have been posting about cooking and feeding kids and easy meals. This is my standby staple, my favorite for summer, winter, spring, or fall. It's HAMBURGER SOUP.

And my caterpillars have been eating it for YEARS! It's very simple to make, it freezes well, and tastes twice as good the next day.

1 small bottle ketchup
1/3 small bottle mustard
1/4 cup Worcheschershire Sauce
2 cans corn
2 cans english peas
1 can black-eyed peas
1 1/2 pounds ground beef (browned)
Sprinklings of Tony's Seasoning
8-10 cups water

Bring to a boil and adjust to taste. When the caterpillars were small they liked it without the "juice" (just the veggies/meat strained in a bowl). You DO NOT need to add salt, because the ketchup and mustard will add that for you.

Delicious when served with fresh baked bread.

~Lone Butterfly

Cleaning the Desk and my Head...

I have been cleaning out my desk and my work area, because FINALLY my office has been scheduled for a furniture upgrade.

My entire department is crammed inside three tiny rooms - and we sit at intern desks, while other departments have an entire office per person (or at the least a large three and a half walled cubicle). This is a VERY exciting time for me.

As I was cleaning/sorting/throwing away, I was struck by the clutter that I had gathered in the last two and a bit years and also what was truly important to me.

In my tiny space I have three pictures of B-10 and CW. One picture of my beloved demon cat, one pair of butterfly wings, six "Bad Cat Calendar" pages, eight jewel butterfly magnets, one hanging sloth (who holds my earbuds), a set of lamb ears (for the months of April and May), and a magnet that has one of my favorite literary quotes on it. It's one of those quotes I read over and over when I remind myself that I'm never going to be like everyone else, and that's okay!

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

~Lewis Carol (Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass)

Another of my favorite quotes:

“It is not the critic who counts. It’s not the man who points out where the grown man stumbles, or how the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who actually is in the arena, who strives violently, who errs and comes up short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who if he wins knows the triumph of high achievement; but who if he fails, fails while daring greatly, so his place will never be with those cold and timid souls who know

neither victory or defeat.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

~

I am not to be judged by those who refuse to take my path - Christ did not call me to sit out this life. He called me to live fully, to embrace the pain and the joy of the world. I will not cringe in the corner, afraid of maybes and possiblities - instead I will stand and risk all, for I am promised a prize greater than anything this world can give me.

~

I am at a crossroads, in turmoil as my wishes, desires, and responsibilities tumble together like clothes in a dryer. I pray that God is clear on where He wants me to be, so that I never look back and regret my choices. For He will equip me to my calling. None of us are sent alone.

~Lone Butterfly